Mental Wanderlust

I wonder if other people experience this sort of day: Where you are completely unable to control where your thoughts go, or, worse still, when you want to think about something, you find your mind completely blank. 

I’ve had a day or so of that recently and it is quite upsetting.  I’m not really sure how to deal with it, other than to say, I will just have to sit and be quiet and wait for it to pass, as it always does.

So goes my day, anger and confusion mixed with an inability to think.

I guess I should explain the “Nothing Day”.  I was thinking that I have talked about it, but never really explained it in the past.  Are you familiar with “Buy Nothing Day”?  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buy_Nothing_Day  How about Shutdown Day? http://www.shutdownday.org/

They are based on the idea that we spend way too much time doing things that are unimportant.  Each one is directed at some specific issue, for instance, Buy Nothing Day, is the day after Thanksgiving, a sort of protest against the fucked up consumerism that drives the country.   Shutdown Day started a few years ago, asking people to give up their computer and other electronics for a day.  I like the idea of this, that so much of what we do is superfluous, and we ought to focus on more important things.  It was along these lines that I started having my own nothing days.  They are these days where I decide I need to step back and evaluate what is going on in life, to read a bit, maybe cook a tasty dinner, maybe not, but the point is that:

1) I don’t buy anything.

I hate that I buy things.  It makes me feel like crap every time I spend money, even when it is on something like food.  Sure, I could go buy a piece of chicken to cook for dinner.  But I have cans of beans, and rice in the house already, or I have canned soup, or some other thing.  I should use what I have before I go out and purchase something else.  Even when it comes to food.  Now, right now, if I were you, I’d be thinking, “Sure, nice ideal, but you just bought…. that you didn’t need.”  That is the point.  I do it without thinking, sure, it is nice to have a framed poster, but that is unneeded.  I like to be comfortable in my home, for it to feel welcoming and warm, but there are ways to do that without succumbing to consumerism.  So, step one on a nothing day is to spend no money.  In that regard today, it was fine (though, I did spend quarters on laundry, I make an exception for that today).

2) I write something

I started having these days before I kept a journal.  I would always tell myself I needed to write more, even if it was just some bullshit blog post.  So, I made the nothing day a day when I would be sure to write something.  For instance, when I kept a blog, I often would write a sort of Sunday rant about some particular topic.  It wasn’t for any reason other than I had all of these ideas and thoughts in my head, and writing them makes them more coherent, it helps clarify them.  Also, it’s something I want to do, to be able to write, and the only way to write is to actually do it.  So, on a nothing day, you write something.   Today, I’ve written a few things.  First, I wrote a rather lengthy entry in my journal because I had been slipping in that regard lately.  Then, I had all of these thoughts in my mind, so I started to write you an email, I have written it in spurts of sorts, as different ideas congeal or disappear.

3) I don’t do “work”

I want a day away from work.  This started when I was working at Transit (nearly full time) and taking 6 classes in a semester.  I decided that I needed a day where I wasn’t doing work, be it actual paid or, or classwork/homework.  I wouldn’t read for class, I wouldn’t drive a bus, I wouldn’t do anything that was going to be in any way stressful, or potentially stressful.  I want a day where I don’t worry about things that I shouldn’t worry about, like class, or like a job.  I put a lot of time into class, or I did when I had class, and a lot of time into work, and every once in awhile, you need to take a day where you consciously stop working, where you don’t worry about “work”, and where it takes not one shred of your mental energy.  Mission accomplished on that front, though I did write about work a bit earlier.

4) I read for pleasure

For a very long time, most of the reading I did was for class.  I couldn’t stand to sit down to read for pleasure; it was just too much of a hassle.  I wanted to just sleep, or hang out with people, or do something else, something other than reading words on a page.  At some point in time, I realized that I was missing out on so many things by not reading for fun.  So, I tried to make it a regular part of my life.  I can’t say that I was particularly successful.  So, I decided that for one day, I should read only things that I want to read, a novel maybe, or some political book, or something, whatever, just so long as it doesn’t relate to work.  I haven’t had a chance to read any of the Dawk (Richard Dawkins) today, but I assure you it is on the list for later.

5) I think about my life

I’m really good at ignoring what is happening to me.  Now, you may think, “Really?, because you’re very introspective”, or some other thing like that.  I’m very good at not talking about the thoughts in my head.  I guess it comes from never really being comfortable talking to people about my thoughts, or otherwise being extremely protective of them, a sort of, “play your cards close to your chest” mentality.  (I realize that this particular thing, of not speaking about my thoughts, may not really make sense to you.  I tell you everything, and, since I’ve met you, have trusted you in a way that I really haven’t trusted anyone else before.)  But, being that I never really talk about what I’m thinking, I was really good at just ignoring what was going on in my life, ignoring what I really wanted, and just sort of floating along.  So, I decided I needed to take time to actually think about things that are important to me, what my desires in life are, what I want to do, where I want to go, what has bothered me, what has made me happy, etc.  So, today, I spend some time thinking about those things.

6) I meditate for at least 15 minutes

I guess this is fairly self-explanatory.  It is a sort of practice session for every day life.  I think meditation is extremely important in that it is a little “Do nothing” slot of time, not in the sense of all of what I’m writing about, but in the sense of not actually doing anything, for a period of time.  It was always hard to get real quiet time when I had a roommate, so, on these Do Nothing days, I’d often take a walk, and find someplace outside that was secluded, and go there to meditate.  Now that I have my own place, it is much easier.  I can just sit down, after I’m sufficiently non-off the wall to be sure that I’ll be successful, and meditate.  That will be for later tonight.

Six simple steps.  There is sort of a theme throughout these items.  I’ve integrated them into my daily life, at least to an extent.  I now read for pleasure all of the time, I take time every day where I don’t think about work, I try to write something every day, I actually think about what I’m feeling, or what is bothering me, or what makes me happy, and I verbalize it when I can, and, when I can, I meditate.  I’ve gotten better, I’ve changed things that upset me before, things I wanted to do but never “found the time” for.  But, every once in a while, I start to slip.  I start to slide back into old habits, of being an automaton, of just existing.  So, I decide that I need to step back and sort of reset, to remind myself what is important, and what matters.  That is a nothing day.  So far, it is going well.

The internet, such a great thing.  I apologize to anyone who actually visits here for my lack of posting.  I’ve been moving, and just now have internet access after nearly a month.  More will come later.

Well, another year has gone by from the last time I went west for the Holiday.  Last year thanksgiving was much less of a family affair than before.  I was OK with that.  This year, I’m around more family, but was feeling more lonely than in a long time.

For a very long time I never understood why I wasn’t comfortable around people.  I always had a fear of being rejected, and mocked, for things I said.  When your mind is filled with thoughts, one recurring thought is that you can’t share what you think and feel with others.  Yesterday, all of that came to a head.

But, sitting here now amongst family, and just watching everyone enjoy themselves, I remember what I am thankful for.  I’m thankful that even if I can’t express myself all of the time to other people, I can enjoy their company.  Even if I have a hard time meeting new people, I know that I do, and that I just need to push ahead.  Rejection is a part of life, and being able to handle it is an important skill.

I’m thankful for friends, even if sometimes they don’t “get it”.  Even when I’m hurt by them sometimes.

I’m thankful for being able to read and learn new things.

I’m thankful for a new job starting next week.

I’m thankful for a new apartment.

I’m thankful for a good life.

I’m thankful for all of the small things that go right every day,

and I’m also thankful for those thing that don’t go right, they allow me to learn, and grow.

So, Happy Day of Giving Thanks.  I hope you all are able to smile at least once today.